Finally

My toenails have grown back after falling off post-marathon. 5 months later.

This is important for the world to know.

Enough is enough

For those of you connected to my Google Buzz... well... welcome to my blog! I've had it for about a year and a half now - sometimes I post once a week, sometimes I post once a day. It depends how motivated I am, haha. I didn't connect Buzz to my blog for a while because I wasn't sure if I wanted to share it with people, but I changed a few settings on Buzz and every time I try to disconnect this site it resets and connects again. I don't really care - y'all are welcome to read it if you're interested. I don't really know where I'm going with this... anyways, hi! This is my blog. Come on in, sit down a while, make yourself comfortable. Feel free to comment and discuss as much as you'd like.

Anyways, on to what I want to say.

Okay. I'm done with going home from work, doing some core exercises, and then sitting in bed feeling miserable and cranky.

After posting that last blog, with the wise advice and comments of some friends I've realized that it doesn't really matter how I define myself. After watching the finish of the Toronto 13.1 and 26.2 on Sunday and cheering on some friends, I realized that I really do miss running. A lot. It's time to brush off the cobwebs and get back into the game.

I'm not going to set myself any time or distance goals. The only thing I'm holding myself to is trying my best to run 5 times this week, for as long and as intense as I feel like. Cheering at the marathon was bittersweet on Sunday, since I'd planned on being there until I got tendonitis, but it reminded me that I run for a reason. It focuses me, de-stresses me, and helps me stay in control.

Game face. Not that I think I need it... I want this, and I'm excited for it.

Unsure of where I stand

It’s been over a month since I did more than 2 runs in a week. In the past I’d be going crazy by now – either because I’d have too much energy, I’d have lost my focus, or I’d be feeling guilty about not getting out there.

Guilt is something I haven’t really felt. Yeah, I’ve kind of lost focus. I can really feel it at work – I have such a hard time getting into my projects in the morning, and when I’m running I don’t have that issue. But guilt? Nothing.

Maybe it’s because I’m not running for a charity like I was for the last marathon. Maybe it’s because I’ve already sent off the email to the race director telling her to give my bib to another runner, so my withdrawal is final and I can move on. Or maybe it’s because I just don’t care about this race as much as I thought I did.

It’s kind of a scary and weird thought. After the Mississauga marathon, I was so excited to do 26.2 again. It was an absolutely amazing time, and I remember that I felt happier than I had in a long time… but I can’t remember that exact feeling. I just remember that I felt that way. It’s really strange – it’s like knowing what your favourite food is, but not remembering what it tastes like.

That not-feeling is starting to apply to running in general. I know that I like running, a lot. But I can’t recapture that feeling I used to get when out on the road. Just pulling on my running shoes and tying them up used to be a stress relief, and when initially dealing with tendonitis I got a pang in my stomach whenever I looked at my lonely running shoes sitting at the front door. I don’t get that at all anymore.

I just don’t feel like myself. A lot of things are changing right now – interviewing for full-time positions after graduation, choosing courses for my final term of university, planning and preparing events for our graduating class – and I never thought that running would be one of those things that would start to slip away.

I don’t know what I’m going to do to get back to where I was, because I’m not sure if that place was where I should be now. I don’t know if I’m a runner anymore. There’s a part of my brain that’s suggesting I go out tonight for an easy run, to see if I can jumpstart that bit of myself that holds onto those good running feelings, but I’m reluctant to go because I just don’t feel the need to hit the road.

I guess what it all comes down to is this: “runner” used to be a definition I applied to myself. It was a big part of my identity, and this forced break has made me wonder if it still is. Kirsten definitely isn’t a “core-worker,” or a “pool runner,” or a “plyometric-er,” or a “rehab workout queen.” Runner is something I want to be but it’s not something I need to be, and I don’t know how to wrap my head around that.

Tough Decision

Well, I'm not going to be running the marathon. This month has been a gong show. Basically, here's what happened:

- Got tendonitis in my right foot from running in crappy shoes. Iced, replaced the shoes, and tendonitis started to get better. After about 3 weeks of very cut-back training, I was able to jump back into my program.

- Got a chest cold. Also got my wallet stolen. Bad times all around. I couldn't run more than 20 metres without hacking up a lung, and by the time I got home from work in the evenings, I'd be too exhausted to even try. I was a leader for Engineering frosh week, so I think being around tons of people and not getting enough sleep must have done it.

- Chest cold got better last week, so I jumped right back into training, and the tendonitis is back.

Basically, I went 3 weeks with very reduced training, a week with no running because I was sick, and now another week because the tendonitis is back. That's over a month down the drain.

I really, really wanted to run it. I feel fit in every way except for my fracking right foot (yeah, BSG nerd here). After some long and hard thinking, I decided that it was best to "live to see another day", so to speak, and to take it easy this fall. I'm pretty freaking down about it. I cried a few times, I won't lie. But this isn't the last marathon on earth, and it won't be the last time I'm able to train for one, so that 's what I'm trying to focus on.

In the meantime, Doc has suggested I do some pool running and floor exercises. I bought a pool pass today, so tomorrow I'm off to the pool to get started. He said that after it heals, he will get me started on some foot strengthening exercises. I'd like to give barefoot a try, but I'm not sure how feasible that will be with winter coming in a few months.

Anyways, that's my story. I'm miserable. I really don't feel like myself at all, but I'm reminding myself that it will get better in time.

Doctorpalooza

I've been hanging around with doctors a lot today.

First, I went to the doctor to ask about what's going on with my foot. I described how it hurt: pain down the outside of my right foot, that radiates out to my baby toe and heel when I flex or point my toes. Hurts to stand and walk. Hurts in the morning and gets better throughout the day. Hurts again after work. Can't run on it at all. You get the picture. He says that it sounds like a classic case of tendonitis, and that unfortunately, the only solution is to rest it and ice it.

Resting it is basically impossible at work because I walk around the plant a lot, but icing is something I've been doing religiously. He said that if it didn't get any better this week that he'd refer me to someone who could give me a shot for it. So frustrating! I've never had an injury caused by training... it's always been something moronic I've done (like, say, daydreaming during a race and stepping into a pothole). It was awful on the weekend, ok yesterday, and bad again today. I don't know what to think. If it's ok tomorrow then I'll probably try to do an easy run on it. I'm antsy.

On to doctor #2: I had my post-employment medical today. It's just a bunch of range-of-motion tests, blood pressure, heartbeat, etc. The doctor complimented me on my low blood pressure and low resting heart rate, and asked if I exercised regularly. I said that I like to run, and then he said "oh, very good, very good. How far usually?" I answered that it depended on the day, but that it ranged from anywhere between 6 miles and 22.

His response: "I don't medically believe in marathons." What? How do you not medically believe in an athletic event? What is medically believing in something anyways? He's a really nice man, and seems to be a great doctor... but... really? Aren't doctors fans of exercise? So yeah, I'm pretty sure my eyebrows shot up to my hairline. I kept my mouth shut... he's allowed to have a medical opinion. But that doesn't mean I have to like it, or follow it! My family doctor is totally cool and supportive of long distance running so long as you're smart about it (yeah, I know, sometimes I'm not), so I don't intend on changing my plans any time soon!

A Big, Fat, Juicy Update!

Oh hellooooo! Yeah, it's been a while. I'm a bad blogger. It seems to always go like this for me though... when I'm on a school term, I barely blog at all. When I'm working, I have my evenings free to actually write down what I've been up to. Hopefully now that school is done and I'm starting work I'll be able to blog more than once every two weeks (gasp! shocking!).

So, on to the update.

Life update:

I'm done the first half of 4th year! Woooooo! I finished exams two weeks ago, and in the time since then I've been checking obsessively to see if any of my profs have posted more marks. I'm only waiting on one more, but because I did well in my other classes, I can move on to my next term if I get over 10% in that last class (not that that's going to happen, but you get the picture). What a relief! It was a stressful term academically, and I'm glad it's over. Somehow, even though the last 4 months is the most stressed I've ever been, I'm going to be finishing up that term with the highest average I've ever had since 1st year! Go me! Now there's only a 4-month work term and my last 4-month school term between me and freedom.

I've just been catching up on my sleep in the meantime. I've had some good beach days with my friends and quality time with one of my sisters, and I also did a lot of crocheting (I couldn't knit anything if my life depended on it, but somehow I can crochet. Go figure). My aunt is undergoing chemotherapy right now, so I made her a blanket to take with her to the hospital for her treatments. Or just to go on her couch. It's just something to let her know I'm thinking of her.

I start work tomorrow morning at 9 am! I'm all settled in to my new place in Whitby. I'm living with a couple and their dog - the puppy is so cute! I'll try to get some pictures up. I'm excited to start. I think it's going to be a fantastic company to work for.

On to my running life:

The last two weeks have been blerg. And blah. And meh, and mrah. I really, reeeeally need new shoes. I've needed new shoes since May, but I haven't had any money to get them. Hopefully next week after I get paid I'll be able to afford some. I'm really feeling the crappy shoes too... I went for an 18 miler after exams, and when I got home I had this ache down the right side of my foot. I ran my speed workout on Tuesday, and my hills on Wednesday, and since then it's been pretty painful to even walk on.

I spoke to my friend who just got his Ph.D. in running-related kinesiology, and he thinks that running long in my crappy shoes is what's done it since I've been careful to stay injury-free in other ways. So for now, I'm going pretty slow to log my miles without getting hurt. I'm also icing my foot 2x per day. It's been getting better slowly over the last week, but it's still hurting to run on it. I'm not feeling very optimistic about BQing anymore... I'll just keep trying my best and we'll see what happens. I wasn't getting quality runs in during exams, and now I've been held up with my foot for a week and a half, so I think that breaking 4:00 or 3:50 might be a more realistic goal. I'll reassess after the next week of running. I'll be pretty freaking disappointed if I have to readjust since I've been working so hard towards nailing that 3:40, but such is life. I have plenty of time to BQ (this is what I'm trying to convince myself of, at least).

Finally, I'm going to look into getting a part-time job at the Running Room here in Whitby. If I could get some evening hours, that would be fantastic. I'm not even sure if they're looking for anyone, but I'll try to persuade them. Keep your fingers crossed!

Anyways, I'm off to finish unpacking the last few boxes. Then I'm timing my walk to work, then it's dinner and ironing my dress shirts for tomorrow, and finally a run to explore my new town. Woo!